Jack and the Dastardly Chicken of Destruction

 

 

 

(Jack, Will, and Elizabeth are in Tortuga, recruiting a crew for their ship, the Chicken)

 

Jack: Aye, old Tortuga, just as I be remembering it.

 

(A woman approaches Jack)

 

Will: Do you remember her, Jack?

 

Jack: Why do I have the feeling I’m about to be slapped?

 

Woman: Jack Sparrow?

 

Jack: That’d be CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, love. And you?

 

Woman: It’s me!

 

Jack: Sorry, doesn’t ring a bell.

 

Woman: Helen! It’s me! HELEN!

 

Jack: (To Will) I think she’ll be slapping me now.

 

(Jack covers his face in preparation for the blow, so the woman stomps on his foot)

 

Woman: That’s for eight hours you don’t remember!

 

(She stomps off)

 

Jack: Eight hours? Oy! I must’ve drunk a lot of rum THAT night!

 

Will: Jack, you always drink a lot of rum.

 

Jack: Yeah, but eight bloody hours?!? That’s a lot, even for me!

 

Elizabeth: How lovely.

 

Jack: Besides, Will, you be blowing this way out of proportion. I don’t drink THAT much rum. (Takes out a flask from his coat and chugs)

 

Will: Oh really?

 

Jack: I’m not drunk! I’m happy!

 

Elizabeth: Jack, you’re odd.

 

Jack: This is me lunch.

 

Elizabeth: You need AA meetings, Jack.

 

Jack: (Looks at empty flask) No, I need more rum.

 

Will: Where are we going to get a crew?

 

Jack: Observe, Will.

 

Elizabeth: Uh-oh.

 

(Jack stands a top a crate and addresses all the pirates on the street.)

 

Jack: I be looking for some men –

 

Elizabeth: And women!

 

Jack: Aye, and women, to be joining me a pirate’s quest! You heard right! You see, I have heard tell that, in New Zealand, there be a valuable ring up for our grubby grabs! Pillaging, plundering, etcetera shall be included. No previous experience required, savvy?

 

(From the back, six female pirates emerge, one with really pointing ears)

 

Will: So, you guys are the idiot – I mean, the heroic and brave pirates willing to help us?

 

(One of the women approaches Jack)

 

Jack: Who are you, love?

 

Fiona: Jack Sparrow! How DARE you show up back here –

 

Jack: Fiona? Fiona Flatt?

 

Fiona: Aye, it’s me, you blood sucking cur! Now where me money?

 

Jack: Um…………… Will, be a mate and pay the lady.

 

Will: Oh, fine. How much did he owe you?

 

Fiona: A lot! And I doubt a whelp like you –

 

Elizabeth: You two having something in common, Jack –

 

Will: I AM NOT A WHELP!!

 

Fiona: (Gestures to the other pirates) You owe Katie money, too, and Alexis, and large some you be owing to Tindomiel, here, and Stella –

 

Jack: What about the lass in the back?

 

Fiona: That’s Caroline.

 

Jack: Do I owe you money?

 

Caroline: Nope.

 

Jack: Aye! Happy day! You, I like!

 

Elizabeth: But we still need a crew, Jack.

 

Caroline: We need a ship.

 

Katie: And plunder.

 

Alexis: Lot’s of it.

 

Stella: And I want a muffin!

 

Jack: Well, then, seems as if we have an accord, savvy?

 

Fiona: I guess so, Jack.

 

Jack: To me ship ~ the Chicken!

 

(As Jack, Will, Elizabeth and the new crew *Fiona, Alexis, Caroline, Katie, Tindoniel, and Stella* are headed toward the Tortuga Harbor, where the Chicken is docked.)

 

Will: Well, the ship’s up here –

 

Alexis: Is it big?

 

Jack: Aye, the largest Chicken ever to set sail!

 

Tindoniel: You said we’re going to New Zealand?

 

Elizabeth: Yes, in search of some ring Jack heard about.

 

Tindoniel: I’m from New Zealand.

 

Jack: Aye? Is that so? Do they have……… erm…………. Ears like that in New Zealand? All pointy like? Or have I had too much rum?

 

Katie: Tindoniel says she be an elf, mate.

 

Jack: An ELF? Bloody ‘ell! Do you grant wishes?

 

Elizabeth: You’re an elf?

 

Jack: Are you SURE you’ve not had too much rum, love?

 

Will: Jack! JACK! – Someone’s stealing the Chicken!

 

Jack: OY! ME SHIP!

 

(The Chicken, manned by unseen pirates, is slowly heading out to sea, though it’s only a few yards from the dock. Jack sprints and dives into the water after the Chicken.)

 

Will: Jack!

 

Jack: BLOODY PIRATES!

 

(Jack catches up with the Chicken and clamps onto a piece of wood with his teeth.)

 

Caroline: Well, one thing to say for him, he’s persistent.

 

Alexis: Stubborn, more like.

 

Stella: (Dreamily) And handsome!

 

(Everyone stares at Stella, who giggles slightly)

 

Will: Oh no! Jack’s gotten up there!

 

(Jack has climbed up the back of the ship. Elizabeth, Will, and the crew all look at each other and then dive into the water after the Chicken and Jack. They climb up and into the ship.)

 

Elizabeth: Jack!

 

Will: Come on, everyone! Help him!

 

(Jack is fighting off six female pirates. He is yelling at them.)

 

Jack: (To the female pirates who tried to make off with his ship) You vile, dirty, despicable boat stealin’ –

 

Will: Jack, we’re here to help you!

 

Jack: Shut up, Will, I be trying to come up with a with a witty insult!

 

(The six pirates are finally cornered)

 

Jack: I’ve got you know, ye gits! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Elizabeth: (To one of the cornered pirates) Why were you trying to steal our ship?

 

Isabelle: We have none of our own – and we need to get to New Zealand.

 

Will: What for?

 

Isabelle: We’re trying to find a ring!

 

Jack: Is that so? Well, it just so happens that be what I’m looking for, mate!

 

Isabelle: (studying Jack) Are you Jack Sparrow?

 

Jack: CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, if you please.

 

Isabelle: You pig!

 

(She slaps him)

 

Jack: Oy! Me face! That’s how I makes me livin’s!

 

Will: Who are you?

 

Isabelle: I’m Isabelle, and this is Luna, Dunhir, Nicole, Chrissy, and Victoria.

 

Jack: What’s with all the women pirates? It’s just me and Will left on this bloody ship who be men! And he’s a unic! Gibbs would have a fit…………

 

Luna: How about we come with you to New Zealand? As part of the crew?

 

Dunhir: I will not be part of this – this – (gestures at Jack)

 

Jack: I go by Jack, love.

 

Dunhir: This – JACK’S crew!

 

Jack: There, there, love – it’s not THAT bad.

 

Dunhir: (To Isabelle) We have a ship!

 

Nicole, Caroline, Victoria, Luna, and Isabelle: IT’S UNDERWATER!

 

Fiona: That might cause a problem.

 

Dunhir: But the point is –

 

Victoria: It doesn’t move!

 

Carlonie: Or float!

 

Nicole: IT’S BLOODY UNDERWATER!!

 

Jack: Well, you know, I have a friend with an extra ship here in Tortuga that I may be able to get off………… um………… cheap, savvy? And then you lovely charming ladies and me and me crew can be going off our separate ways all together big happy family, savvy?

 

Isabelle: We have an accord!

 

(Later, on the new ship)

 

Jack: Everyone, welcome to – the Penguin! (Whips out his stuffed chicken and a new stuffed animal, a penguin) Now Mr. Clucky has a friend!

 

Luna: The Penguin?

 

Jack: Hey, I steal – I mean, commandeer it, I name it!

 

Elizabeth: Whatever you say, Jack.

 

(Isabelle, Luna, Dunhir, Nicole, Chrissy, and Victoria board the Penguin and sail off.)

 

Alexis: Hey, Jack, where did they say they be going?

 

Jack: New Zealand, I think.

 

Alexis: After a ring, right?

 

Will: That’s what they said…………….

 

Alexis: The same ring we’re after?

 

Jack: Aye, they - (Jack realizes) – BLOODY ‘ELL! THEY HAVE A HEAD START! ALL HANDS TO THE CHICKEN!

 

(Later, an hour out at sea, Jack at the helm of the Chicken, with Stella and Elizabeth with him. Everybody else is snoozing in their rooms on the Chicken. Just so everybody’s clear, Isabelle, Luna, Dunhir, Nicole, Chrissy, and Victoria SHALL meet the Chicken in the future! It wouldn’t be a Jack Sparrow hot tub party without them!)

 

Jack: Now bring me that horizon…………

 

Elizabeth: Jack, why do you always say that?

 

Jack: It be catch phrase, Elizabeth. Everyone should have one, just like Stella’s here is –

 

Stella: I want a muffin!

 

Jack: There’s a lass.

 

Stella: Thanks. It took me years of practice.

 

Elizabeth: Well, I want a catch phrase, too!

 

Jack: You have one!

 

Elizabeth: I do?

 

Jack: Yeah! ‘I can’t breathe!’

 

Elizabeth: What kind of a catch phrase is that?

 

Jack: It’s be okay, Elizabeth.

 

(Suddenly, Elizabeth is stricken with a bout of breathlessness from her corset)

 

Elizabeth: (Breathlessly………… duh) I – I can’t – can’t breathe!

 

Jack: That’s the spirit!

 

(Elizabeth tumbles over the edge of the ship and into the water where a shark leaps up and swallows her whole.)

 

Stella: A shark ate her! Darn!

 

Jack: Yeah, ‘tis a pity. Will had some sort of attachment for her or something.

 

Stella: Well, no sense in going after her.

 

Jack: Yeah. You know, I’m really in the mood for some rum!

 

Stella: Oh really! (Pulls a LARGE bottle out of her coat)

 

Jack: Rum! Yay!

 

Stella: Heh heh heh………….

 

Will: What do you mean, ‘Elizabeth got eaten’?!?

 

Jack: A shark ate ‘er all up, mate. But ‘tis in the past. Time to move on.

 

Will: What are you TALKING about?!?

 

Jack: Think about it, mate! You and me on a ship – with six lovely bonny lasses, savvy?

 

Will: What do you mean, Jack?

 

Jack: You and me ALONE on a ship – with SIX LOVELY bonny LASSES, savvy?

 

Will: I still don’t get it.

 

Jack: YOU AND ME ALONE ON A SHIP - WITH SIX LOVELY BONNY LASSES!!

 

Will: I don’t follow you.

 

Jack: Sometimes I worry about you, Will. No wonder you’re a eunuch.

 

Will: Hey – what’s that?

 

(Will points to a ship on the horizon)

 

Jack: It be a ship! And not just any ship! It be the Penguin!

 

(An hour later. The Penguin’s crew has come aboard the Chicken. Will is sent to get rum, and when he gets back on deck - )

 

Will: Is that a HOT TUB?

 

Jack: Aye! All warm and bubbly, mate! Now, handover that rum!

 

(Jack is in his swimsuit, partying in the hot tub with most of the Chicken and Penguin’s crew; Fiona, Alexis, Caroline, Katie, Tindomiel, Luna, Chrissy, Nichole, Victoria, and Stella. Dunhir and Isabelle stand off to the side.)

 

Will: Um……………….. here’s the rum.

 

Jack: Thanks! Want to join the party, mate?

 

Will: Actually, Jack, I –

 

Jack: Suit yourself! OY! Caroline! What a swimsuit! HEH, HEH, HEH! (Jack bursts into song, singing an old pirate’s song) GETTING JIGGY WITH IT!

 

*AUTHOR’S NOTE: I am taking VERY special liberties with the next part. Please, Isabelle, loyal reviewer don’t shoot me if this isn’t to your liking!*

 

(Will leaves the party, dejected, and heads to his room, sadly. He sits there for a moment when Isabelle enters his room, fully clothed, I might add.)

 

Isabelle: Will?

 

Will: Oh, hello. You don’t want to party with Jack?

 

Isabelle: I’d much rather party with you, Will.

 

Will: WHA – Me?

 

Isabelle: Yeah.

 

Will: Well, that’s all very nice and all, and you seem very nice, but Elizabeth –

 

Isabelle: She’s dead. She got eaten. It’s time to move on.

 

Will: It happened last night!

 

Isabelle: Still, you need to be happy. It’s what she would have wanted, Will.

 

Will: Isabelle, I’m not sure –

 

Isabelle: She cheated on you with a monkey.

 

Will: Come here, baby.

 

(I’ll leave the rest for your imagination.)

 

Jack: …………… and that’s the time I single-handedly lifted the Cortez curse and killed the cursed pirates. Aye, Will, Elizabeth, and the British Naval Fleet played a small part, but it was I who did all the work.

 

Chrissy: Oh, Jack! You’re so brave!

 

Victoria: And handsome!

 

Nichole: And incredibly witty!

 

Tindomiel: And such a sculpted body………….

 

Alexis: And your HAIR!

 

Stella: BROWR! (That’s a sexy growl)

 

Katie: Really, Jack, you are such a catch.

 

Luna: Very handsome, wouldn’t you say, Victoria?

 

Victoria: But of course!

 

Jack: More rum, ladies?

 

(Half-an-hour and a lot more rum later)

 

Nichole: (Drunk) Oh, Jack! You’re so funny!

 

Jack: Why thank you.

 

Nichole: (Laughs hysterically, then coughs) I LIKE RUM! AND TURTLES!

 

Fiona: (Drunk) Such a conversationalist! Tee hee!

 

Jack: You girls are so friendly…………….. all for you, love, you grumpy gus.

 

Dunhir: I don’t have to be friendly, Mr. Sparrow!

 

Jack: That’s CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, if you please.

 

(Dunhir has been standing 15 feet away from the love tub the whole evening)

 

Alexis: Come on, Dunhir! Bubbles! Water!

 

Jack: Rum!

 

Tindomiel: Come on, Duhir! It’s most enjoyable!

 

Dunhir: (Sighs) Oh, all right…………..

 

(A little bit later)

 

Jack: Well, not that we’re all out of rum –

 

Dunhir: (Drunk out of her mind) Look atta everybody! Shiny purple bubbles! HEE, HEE, HEE!

 

(Will and Isabelle emerge on deck, looking happy but a little ruffled. Will’s shirt is on backwards.)

 

Jack: Aye! Will! Where ye been?

 

Will: One thing’s for sure, Jack. I’m no eunuch.

 

(The day after the hot tub party)

 

Jack: Will, I’ve decided to let the Penguin and ‘er crew join us in our quest to New Zealand.

 

Will: That’s great!

 

Jack: Now, Will, I been meaning to ask ye something. When ye said ye was no eunuch –

 

Will: Yeah?

 

Jack: They can get that reversed?

 

Will: Jack –

 

Jack: Modern technology! Wow!

 

Will: Um………………… actually, Jack –

 

Jack: Never mind. Hey – what’s THAT?

 

(Jack points off into the distance)

 

Will: Land! It’s NEW ZEALAND!

 

(Fiona comes running)

 

Fiona: What?

 

Will: LAND HO!

 

Fiona: Sure, there’s land, but you don’t need to call me names, Will!

 

(Fiona slaps Will)

 

Will: OW!

 

Jack: Hurts, doesn’t it.

 

Will: It does!

 

Jack: Well, after awhile, yer arm goes numb and it –

 

Fiona: Jack, shut up.

 

(Stella and Nichole show up with a tray of drinks)

 

Will: (Reaching for a drink) Don’t mind if I do-

 

Stella: (Slapping Will’s hand away) Keep your grubby meat hooks off that rum!

 

Nichole: (Batting her eyes) It’s for JACK!

 

Jack: Aye, you lasses are friendly!

 

(Chugs the beverages)

 

Stella: Oh, Jack, you’re such a studmuffin!

 

Nichole: (To Stella) What’s with you and muffins?

 

Stella: They’re super cool.

 

Nichole: Well, she’s right, Jack.

 

Jack: Aye, that I be. Now, let’s say you two lovely girls and I go celebrate our arrival in New Zealand with a long tall bottle of rum, savvy?

 

(Jack, Stella, and Nichole head below deck, followed closely by Chrissy, Victoria, Caroline, Alexis, Tindomiel, Katie, and Luna, who are all muttering something about “get him drunk” and “t