Jack and the Evil Flamingo of Death

Yes! The original fic of freakiness! Enjoy, buttercups!

 

(Jack is aboard his new ship, the Flamingo, after pawning the Black Pearl.)

 

Jack: Yo ho, me hearties! Let’s all have some rum to christen me new ship, what do you say?

 

Will: Jack, you are one weird dude.

 

Jack: Yeah, but the ladies love me, so it’s okay.

 

Gibbs: Why, oh why, Jack, did you pawn the Black Pearl?

 

Jack: I’ll be honest with you, Gibbsy, I fell into a bad crowd –

 

Gibbs: Worse then pirates?

 

Jack: Well, I’ll be fair. They smelled worse then pirates. Anyway, I fell into a bad crowd and before I knew it, I had gambled away me own ship. I had to pawn it to pay of me gambling debts.

 

Will: That’s awful, Jack!

 

Jack: Then I called 1-800-BETS-OFF…

 

Will: Jack, it’s the 18^th century. We don’t have telephones yet.

 

Jack: But we have the special effects to make all them creepy skeleton curse pirates dudes? Funny old world, isn’t it.

 

Elizabeth: Why in heavens are you calling this the Flamingo, Jack?

 

Jack: Well, love, I’ll let you in on a secret… one morning, I was sitting on the deck, drinking rum, when an apparition came to me, savvy?

 

Elizabeth: An apparition? Like a vision?

 

Jack: Aye, a vision. And what this vision was, a flamingo, flying to me on a pumpkin pie, warning me that I’d had too much rum.

 

Will: How lovely.

 

Jack: Ain’t I a charmer?

 

Elizabeth: Sure.

 

Jack: Ah, don’t deny it, love. You’ve had your pretty eye on me ever since I saved you from the corset of death. Go ahead, admit it, we won’t think any less of you.

 

Elizabeth: You are such a weirdo.

 

Jack: Yeah.

 

Will: Jack, stop flirting with my woman.

 

Jack: Will, you’re a whelp.

 

Will: Stop calling me that!

 

Jack: HA HA! Never! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Gibbs: Stop taunting Will, Jack.

 

Jack: All right. I’d rather drink rum, anyway.

 

Elizabeth: Jack, don’t you think you’ve had enough?

 

Jack: I could never have enough rum, Elizabeth! Now, let’s all do the twist!

 

(Jack, Elizabeth, Will, and Gibbs all boogie)

 

Will: Watch while I busta move!

 

(Will break dances, including the ‘Robot’ and the ‘Worm’)

 

Jack: Now you’re in the spirit, mate! Now, let’s get this ship going and head to –

 

Gibbs: Sorry, Jack, but ye can’t be sailing this thing. Friends don’t let friend drive drunk, aye?

 

Jack: No! I’m not drunk! I’m soberly challenged!

 

Gibbs: Sorry, no can do, Jack…

 

Jack: But it’s me ship! I can do whatever I blooming want to do with it! I made it what it is!

 

Elizabeth: How do you figure that, Jack?

 

Jack: Well, you know the night we were getting all cozy on that island –

 

Will: WHAT?!?!?

 

Elizabeth: Long story, rum was involved.

 

Jack: And I said, the Black Pearl meant freedom? Well, the Flamingo represents –

 

Gibbs: Heroism?

 

Elizabeth: Free will?

 

Gibbs: Liberty?

 

Will: WHEN WERE YOU GETTING ‘COZY’ ON AN ISLAND?!?!?!?!

 

Jack: No, the Flamingo… means to have a spanking good time.

 

(Jack starts a conga line)

---

(Later, in Elizabeth’s room on the Flamingo)

 

Elizabeth: Oh, Jack, your fur is so luxurious! Tee hee!

 

(Will bursts into the room)

 

Will: Elizabeth! No!

 

Elizabeth: Will!

 

Will: Why? Oh, why Elizabeth?

 

Elizabeth: I’m sorry, Will, it’s just he just satisfies me in a way that you cannot!

 

Will: But – Jack?

 

Elizabeth: Yes!

 

Will: But... he’s a monkey!

 

Elizabeth: I know. Isn’t he CUTE?

 

Jack the Monkey: Ooo eee ahh ahh!

 

Will: Elizabeth –

 

Elizabeth: Will, I am sorry. I couldn’t help myself. He’s a hunka hunka burning steaming love primate.

 

Will: But, Elizabeth! I thought we were in love!

 

Elizabeth: Oh Will! And I love you! The monkey was just a crazy fling!

 

(Will and Elizabeth smooch)

 

Will: Oh, Elizabeth!

 

Elizabeth: Oh, Will!

 

Will: Oh, Elizabeth!

 

Elizabeth: Oh, Will!

 

Will: Oh, Eliz-

 

Jack the Monkey: Eee ahh chha phbtt!

---

(Later. Everyone is on the Flamingo’s deck. Jack is chugging rum.)

 

Gibbs: Aye, Jack, don’t ye think you’ve had enough?

 

Jack: (drunk out of his mind) I am the queen of England! And Uruguay! And I’m a pie!

 

Elizabeth: You’re a pie?

 

Jack: With a delicious fruit filling and a yummy flaky crust, savvy? Don’t I sound lip-smacking?

 

Will: Jack, you’d better hand me that bottle –

 

Jack: (Screaming) AAAIIIIEEEEE!!!

 

Gibbs: I’d be taking that as a no, Will.

 

Jack: I just put some egg salad in me bloomers! I am also a chicken! And a porcupine’s sock! HEE, HEE, HEE!

 

Elizabeth: Jack, you’ve had too much rum.

 

Jack: No I haven’t! (Guzzles more rum, then falls down)

 

Will: Jack!

 

Jack: Aye, perhaps I have had a little wee bit too much.

 

Gibbs: Jack, let’s get you down to a bed so ye can lie down, aye?

 

Jack: Gibbs, I don’t like you like that. The wild night in Port Royal meant nothing to me.

 

Will: Jack, you are one odd fellow.

 

Jack: Aye, but the ladies love me, and I’m charming, so it’s all right.

 

(That night. Will creeps into Jack’s room with a knife!!)

 

Will: And now, to avenge my girlfriend!!

 

Jack: Will, what in the blazes are ye waking me up for?!?

 

Will: Jack! I thought you were asleep!

 

Jack: Well if you didn’t talk so darn loud…

 

Will: Sorry.

 

Jack: That’s okay. Since I’m up… (Jack pulls up his pillow. Under it there’s a bottle of rum. He uncaps it and takes a swig) There we are!

 

Will: Jack, I think you’re an alcoholic.

 

Jack: Well you’re a blacksmith, but I don’t call YOU names!

 

Will: Jack, I’m sorry I tried to kill you –

 

Jack: You were going to kill me? You big meanie!

 

Will: Sorry.

 

Jack: Aye, all right. To make it up to me, you can give me some more rum, savvy?

---

(The next morning, on deck)

 

Jack: Gibbs, do you know what this blooming twit tried to do to me last night, right on me own ship?

 

Gibbs: In a jealous rage, did Will try to kill ye?

 

Jack: Aye! I don’t want to kick the bucket just yet.

 

Will: Jack, I’m sorry!

 

Elizabeth: Wait – Will, you were going to kill Jack all because of me?

 

Will: Yup.

 

Elizabeth: Oh, Will! How romantic!

 

(Will and Elizabeth make out)

 

Gibbs: Stop it, you two! This be icky. Girls have cooties, Will.

 

Jack: Nay, Gibbs. Heh heh, girls are great. Almost better than rum.

 

Gibbs: Better than rum?

 

Jack: I said ALMOST, Gibbs.

---

(Later, Jack and Gibbs on deck, talking)

 

Jack: Gibbs, why did ye decide to become a pirate? Was it the call of the open sea? The adventure? The bountiful treasure?

 

Gibbs: Well, for me –

 

Jack: Or is it the fact that you’re gay?

 

Gibbs: WHAT?!?

 

Jack: Gibbs, you ride around for months at a time with just men only. And you’re always saying that women are unlucky.

 

Gibbs: Aye, you’re right, Jack. I’ve been meaning to tell ye. My sails are unfurled in a different harbor. I be a gay pirate.

 

Jack: Ha! I knew it!

 

Gibbs: I’m queer, I’m here, get used to it.

 

Jack: Okay, then.

 

Gibbs: It’s just… I be having a slight problem, Jack.

 

Jack: What is it?

 

Gibbs: I’m in love with Will.

 

Jack: (Gasp) No!

 

Gibbs: He’s just so dreamy……….. that strong chin, his bodacious moustache, hair that can’t be tamed…………

 

Jack: But he likes Elizabeth!

 

Gibbs: (Sadly) Aye. ‘Tis so.

 

Jack: So what are you going to do?

 

Gibbs: Jack, you could help me win Will’s heart!

 

Jack: No. I’d like to, mate, I really would, but…………. Ew. That’s just plain wrong, savvy?

 

Gibbs: (With a sigh) I suppose ye be right.

 

Jack: But don’t look sop down, Gibbs! We be in the Carribean, mate! There’s bound to be some hot cabana boys around, aye?

 

Gibbs: (Happy) Aye! I be going to put on me bikini now.

---

(Jack is in his captain’s quarters, alone)

 

Jack: Oh, Mr. Pinky! I know you’ll always love me. Aye, ye be me truest friend! Mr. Pinky, I –

 

(Elizabeth walks in)

 

Elizabeth: Jack, I’m – hey, what’s that?

 

Jack: Nothing!

 

Elizabeth: It’s a flamingo! (Calling out the door) Hey, everybody! Jack has a stuffed Flamingo doll!

 

Jack: He’s not a blooming doll! He’s Mr. Pinky, savvy?

 

(Will and Gibbs show up)

 

Will: Jack, it’s no shame having a stuffed animal! I myself have a stuffed dog. Little Woffie McWoof.

 

(Everyone stares at Will)

 

Jack: Um……….. Will?

 

Will: Yeah?

 

Jack: Me flamingo thing is cute. Yours is just weird. You be a whelp.

 

Will: DON’T CALL ME THAT!!

 

Elizabeth: Will, sweetie, calm down –

 

Will: You shut up you – you – monkey loving weirdo!

 

Elizabeth: (Gasp) Will!

 

Jack: (To Mr. Pinky) Yeah, they’re all odd one’s, Mr. Pinky. What’s that, Mr. Pinky? You think what? You want me to kill them all? But Mr. Pinky, that wouldn’t be very nicey nice………..

 

Gibbs: What’s your thing with flamingos, Jack?

 

Jack: They be me favorite color, savvy? And they’re just so cutsie-ootsie-wootsie! Oh, and they’re manly.

 

Will: Manly?

 

Jack: What’s more manly then a little pink birdie? Tee hee! So cute! I think I’ll go paint me nails now………….

 

Elizabeth: Jack, you are so odd.

 

Will: You should talk!

 

Elizabeth: Don’t bring THAT up again, you idiot!

 

Will: ME, an idiot? You’re a –

 

Gibbs: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

 

Will: What?

 

Gibbs: TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES! TAKE OFF –

 

Elizabeth: I simply will not!

 

Gibbs: I wasn’t talking to you…………

 

Jack: (To Mr. Pinky) Maybe that killing thing wasn’t such a bad idea, Mr. Pinky………….

---

(Jack goes offshore and comes back with shopping bags)

 

Jack: Aye! I got ye all souvenirs!

 

Gibbs: Yay! I hope it’s something lacy!

 

Jack: Gibbs, that’s just wrong.

 

Gibbs: I try.

 

Jack: Anyhoo, you lucky gits, I spent most of me plunder shillings on these, so you had better like them. Here, Elizabeth……….

 

(Elizabeth takes the package he offers her, and she opens it)

 

Elizabeth: An “I LOVE MONKEYS” corset?!?

 

Jack: I thought you’d like it!

 

Elizabeth: Um… sure, Jack. It’s just swell. Thanks bunches.

 

Gibbs: What did you get me? What did you get me? What did you get me?

 

Jack: Simmer down, Gibbs. Here………

 

(Gibbs takes his package and opens it)

 

Gibbs: (Gasp!) It’s a……….. it’s a……… well, it’s purple.

 

Jack: It’s a turnip! I thought you’d like it!

 

Gibbs: Why did you get me a turnip?

 

Jack: Well, the Monkey Corset really whipped out me cash, so all I could afford for you was………. Well, no need to thank me. Merry jolly Christmas!

 

Gibbs: Oh………. All right. I guess I could hang it on me wall –

 

Jack: You do that! Now, Will, what I got ye is a very special present.

 

(Will is looking moodily at Elizabeth’s Monkey Corset)

 

Will: Is it a monkey killing machine of death and destruction?

 

Jack: They have those? Cool! That’s what I be wanting for me birthday! I could use it on that name stealing ugly butt faced monkey dog scallywag………..

Will: What did you get me?

 

Jack: It’s………. (Pulls out a package and unwraps it) A flamingo costume!

 

(Will stares at the pink feathery thing)

 

Will: What?

 

Jack: Put it on!

 

(Will leaves for a minute, then returns, dressed in the costume. He truly gives meaning to the phrase “as ugly as a flamingo”………. Yeah, don’t pretend you’ve never heard that phrase.)

 

Elizabeth: You’re cute!

 

Will: Shut up.

 

Jack: You know, Will, I have researched flamingos, and ye truly look 100 percent like the long legged, flexible necked birds usually found in the Caribbean era from Yucatan and the West Indies to the coast of northeastern South America and the Mediterranean. Yes, ye resemble the greater flamingo, which is classified as Phoenicopterus ruber.

 

(Everybody stares at Jack)

 

Gibbs: Um……….. Jack –

 

Jack: Well, I didn’t get to be a captain just from me astonishing, devilishly good looks and stupendous wit. Ye got to have brains, savvy? Well, Will, ye look just lovely.

 

Will: Um, thanks, Jack.

 

Jack: HA, HA, HA! Now dance, pretty boy! Dance! HA, HA, HA! (Jack pulls out a pistol and shoots at Jack’s feet. Then he grabs his jar of rum and takes a swig) Dance, silly man! Dance! HA, HA, HA!

 

Will: Jack! Stop! Ow! That was my foot!

 

Jack: Dance, dance!

 

(Will dances around while Jack laughs hysterically, taking breaks now and then for a swig of rum. Gibbs and Elizabeth look on)

 

Elizabeth: This is getting boring.

 

Gibbs: Aye. Let’s leave.

 

Elizabeth: Hey! I could do your hair!

 

Gibbs: Ooo! I’ve always thought about what it would like in a French braid!

 

(Gibbs and Elizabeth leave)

 

Jack: HA, HA, HA! DANCE, boy! DANCE!

---

(Later, on the ship, in Elizabeth’s room. Gibbs and Elizabeth are talking)

 

Gibbs: Are Jack and Will still out there on deck?

 

Elizabeth: Let me check………… (Goes to the door and opens it, listening)

 

(Off in the distance, on deck)

 

Jack: DANCE! DANCE, HA, HA, HA!

 

(Elizabeth closes door)

 

Elizabeth: Yup.

 

Gibbs: Is Will still dancing in that flamingo costume?

 

Elizabeth: You bet.

 

Gibbs: Well, that gives us more time for ye to be doing me hair!

 

Elizabeth: Oh, Gibbs, I just love your highlights. And it’s so full of body, too!

 

Gibbs: That’s because I be using Pantene Pro – V, Elizabeth.

 

(Jack the Monkey runs into the room)

 

Jack the Monkey: Ooo ee ahh chaa! Ooo!

 

Elizabeth: Jack, I told you before! We can’t be a couple! I’m in love with Will!

 

Jack the Monkey: Ooo eee chooo piiii!

 

Elizabeth: Oh, Jack! I know, I know………. We’ve had some good times, but it’s just not going to work out. I’m a beautiful British pirate woman, and you’re a monkey. It’s not meant to be.

 

Jack the Monkey: Dooo peeee oooo ach!

 

Elizabeth: Oh, Jack, you always were so poetic. But I’m sorry, our love can never be.

 

Jack the Monkey: (Walking out the door) Meee cha ooo!

 

Elizabeth: (Sadly) Goodbye, Jack! I’ll always remember you! Oh!

 

(Elizabeth collapses on the bed, weeping)

 

Gibbs: That’s just wrong.

 

Elizabeth: Oh, Gibbs! You don’t know how hard it is! Have you ever been in love?

 

Gibbs: Yes, Elizabeth, I have.

 

Elizabeth: Really?

 

Gibbs: I am in love. My heart weeps, because the object of me affection and I… our love will never be possible. Aye, it’s impossible.

 

Elizabeth: Gibbs, that was beautiful.

 

Gibbs: I read it in me new romance novel, Nights of Passion.

 

Elizabeth: Gibbs, who are you in love with?

 

(Jack, drunk, wobbles into the room)

 

Jack: Aye, hullo everyone! I got tired of shooting at Will. It gets boring after eight hours, ye see.

 

Elizabeth: Gibbs, who are you in love with? Please tell me.

 

Gibbs: Elizabeth, I can’t –

 

Jack: Gibbs? Ol’ Gibbsy here has a crush on Will!

 

Elizabeth: WHAT?!?

 

Gibbs: Well, you got to admit, he’s hot.

 

Elizabeth: Gibbs! Why, you awful, terrible man…………………. I should – I should –

 

Jack: In a situation like this, the only answer is hand to hand combat.

 

Gibbs: Jack, don’t encourage her!

 

(Will enters in his fluffy flamingo outfit)